***Disclaimer:
this post is not my usual kind of post. It is almost rant-like. Please read it
all the way through before attacking anything that I say. I just needed to vent.
***
I am not attacking single moms, but
I am tired of hearing about how hard it is to be a single mom. Today I
want talk about how much of a struggle it can be to be a married mom. Just
because you have another adult in the house, doesn't mean that life doesn't
have complications or that it isn't hard. There are actually times that having
another adult in the house makes things more difficult than they
would be without said adult. I love my husband with all of my heart (we have
spent the last 20 years together because this love is strong and unyielding),
but I would be lying if I claimed that I have never had the thought of how much
easier some things would be if I was doing it on my own...I'm sure he has had
these thoughts as well.
I have heard it said that single
parents have it tough because they have to get their kids to all of their
activities and events with no help from the other parent. Well, the fact that
one is married is not a guarantee that both parents are equally involved in
everything. Most days, I am the one getting all four of our kids prepared
to go to whatever event or activity we have for the day. Oh, how I would love
to sit down and read a book while I waited until the last minute to get myself
ready, but I don't have that luxury. No, instead I have to start getting myself
ready at least two hours prior to when we have to leave for
somewhere, so that I know that I have enough time to get four other family
members ready to go on time as well. I am the one that sets out everyone's
clothes...even my husband's. On the rare occasion that I do decide
to not push everyone to do what they need to do and only worry about
myself, we without a doubt will end up running late. I have
occasionally allowed myself to believe that I will receive extra help
getting the kids ready (and I won't have to do it all by myself), but that
never ends well for anyone in the household. My husband will without a doubt be
upset that we are running late, the kids will be frazzled because they can't
find their shoes or don't have their hair brushed when it is time to
leave, and I will be mad at myself for allowing it to get this
far. It also falls on my shoulders to ensure that all necessary equipment,
books, food, etc., is also loaded into the vehicle and ready to go on time. And
if something does happen to get forgotten, I, as mom, am always the one to
claim the blame. Even at bedtime, I am the one to make sure that everyone has
had their baths/showers, brushed their teeth, brushed their hair, said their
prayers, and has had their bedtime story read.
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| My helper in getting everyone ready. |
I am the one that takes the kids to
their practices, lessons, and doctor's appointments. I stay up late wrapping
presents on Christmas Eve and filling eggs on the night before Easter. I don't
even know that my husband could name their doctor or dentist. And I know that
he has no clue as to the amount of time that I spend trying to make each and
every holiday perfect. He is generally asleep within an hour of the kids going
to bed; while I am at least 3-4 hours behind the kids.
When I want to have a girls' night
out or even go to the grocery store by myself, I always check with my husband
to make sure that he doesn't have other plans for the day or evening before.
Actually, I check with him before doing anything that would require me to be
sans kids. . This, by far, differs from his world of being able to send me a
text letting me know that he will be stopping by a friend's house or
the store after work. And as for household chores, there is not the extra hands-on help that some assume come with being married. There are days that I get help, but those are far and few between. The cleaning and cooking are mine to do (Yes, I realize part of this is my job as a stay at home mom, but a little help on the weekend would be amazing). I have even felt at times that I have a fifth child that I am cleaning up after and taking care of.
Then there are the times that
I have everything planned out and a schedule all set, only to have it ruined by
my husband deciding that today he has made plans for the family. Do
you realize how challenging it is to change things just because someone
has decided they want to do something different than your plan? During
these times, I find myself thinking that as a single mom I would be able to do
as I pleased and my plan would still be intact.
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| Typical Dad fun while Mom is busy cleaning. |
Now let's talk about when a parenting decision needs to be made. Because my husband and I are two individual people, our parenting styles don't always match. It can be increasingly frustrating when we have to decide on disciplinary issues...even our decision to homeschool was not an easy one. We both had lists of pros and cons, and it was a long drawn out process to get to a conclusion. However, I expect to have differences when it comes to major decisions. I am caught off guard and become annoyed when we disagree with little things like snacks or volume level of play around the house or in the car. I believe that the kids having a piece of fruit or vegetable while waiting for supper to be ready is perfectly acceptable. My husband does not. If they aren't hungry for supper after a healthy snack, is there really any harm done? Perhaps because I am home with the kids all day, I am more laid back. I am sure that coming home after being gone for 10 hours and working in all weather conditions does make one want to come home to relax to a quiet household; I just have a hard time wanting the kids to act any differently than children should. I believe kids should run and play and make noise. Although there are times that they should be quiet and listen and be calm; I don't see time around the home as one of those times (unless it is during our school time).
I don't want any of you to think
that I'm complaining about spending time with my kids; I love them more than I
could ever explain. However, I am merely pointing out that just because I am
married to my husband, I do not have any more freedom than that of a single
mom. I would almost venture as far as to say that I have less, at times. I
don't have every other weekend kid-free (not that I would be a very willing
party to having my kids gone every other weekend). I am not able to just do as
I please because another adult is at home. I usually don't get the help getting
everything organized and keeping everyone on track. I don't get the extra help
cleaning the house and doing chores.
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| It really is all worth it when you are in love! |
I'm sure there are people out there
that have it all together and that fully support each other in everything...I
just have yet to meet any of these people. As two independent people,
it is certain that married people aren't going to agree on everything and
that they will over-react to disagreements at times. It takes a lot to make the
conscience decision to work through it all. We know that we have made this
commitment to one another before God and all of our family and friends. This
bond that we have together is one that stretches to its limits at times. But
through faith, love, and prayer we are able to come back together stronger than
we were before we were stretched. It isn't a cake walk to be married. There
are, most certainly, ups and downs. There are days that I think of how it would
be easier to be on my own (and as I previously said, I'm sure my husband also
has these days). During these times, I turn to God through prayer, and I am
always led back to my husband's waiting embrace. The following two Bible
passages have always been ones that have stood out to me whenever I begin to
question just how difficult marriage is. I know that God will lead me through
the tough times, and I am positive that the love my husband and I have for each
other is greater than any of the struggles that we will ever face.
John 16:13: When the
Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his
own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you
the things that are to come.
1 Corinthians 13:13: So
faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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